Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would
go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the
invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.
Beer required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture.
The glass bottle and aluminum can were not invented yet, so
while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to
be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how
villages were formed.
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.
These two were the foundation of modern civilization and,
together, were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into
two distinct subgroups: (1) conservatives and (2) liberals.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to
barbecue at night while they were drinking beer. This was the
beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men, who were less skilled at hunting, learned to live off
the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQs and doing
the sewing, fetching, and hair-dressing.
This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal "men" evolved into women. Others became
known as girlie-men.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication
of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the
concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat
and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years, conservatives came to be symbolized by the
largest, most powerful land animal on earth: the elephant.
Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.
Modern liberals like lite beer (with lime added), but most
prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish
but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are
standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side
note: many liberal women have higher testosterone levels than
Most college professors, social workers, personal injury
attorneys, journalists, film makers in Hollywood, group
therapists, and community organizers are liberals. Liberals
meddled in our national pastime and invented the designated
hitter rule, because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink real beer. They eat red meat and still
provide for their women.
Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks,
construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers,
engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the
military, airline pilots, and generally anyone who works
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who
want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the
producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals
believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans.
That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when
conservatives were going to America. They crept in after the
Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more
Here ends today's lesson in world history.
It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to
angrily respond to this post.
A conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the
absolute truth of this history that it will be shared
immediately with other true believers and to just piss off more
And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self.
I'm going to have another beer.